Chapter Two: So Close, Yet So Far

And so, I continued to pursue Maria. Constantly asking her when we were going to be able to finally sit down with each other face to face. Yet she continued to turn me down time after time. I thought it was ridiculous that A.) I could have such strong feelings for someone whom I haven’t seen in um-teen years. And B.) It was hard for me to understand with as much time and effort we both put into each other, why wouldn’t she want to see me and get to know me better. I always believed, like I always told her, that I thought we would get along just famously together. By this point and time I knew I wanted to be with her. I held back from telling Maria how I felt for so long. We spent countless times talking about her ex, and there were so many times where I wanted to say “I can love you better”. But I didn’t for the sake of not falling into a usual rebound position. I firmly stayed neutral, yet always vaguely entertained the idea of us being together, while still remaining opaque despite my true feelings and/or intentions.

We would talk at night before we went to bed, and it drove me crazy that we couldn’t be together until finally I snapped. I could no longer lead myself on in hopes that one day we might be. I was stressing myself out over something I had finally come to terms with that just wouldn’t be. I thought it was crazy that two people whom were so close mentally, emotionally, and geologically were not together. I have heard of people falling in love via phone and/or internet and doing anything they possibly could to see each other. Working hard and saving money to travel hundreds of miles to catch a glimpse at another person who captivated their heart. And here I am living in a neighboring city, willing to put my heart on the line… and yet I get nothing. Enough was enough. I called Maria that evening and told her that I could no longer go on being her listening ear. I could no longer be her support after a hard day or the one to reassure her when in doubt. I could no longer talk to her until she fell asleep on the phone at night. Or give my opinion or advice about the matter at hand. I felt that I had shown an immense, if not extravagant, amount of patience. But my heart could no longer hold on to hope.

Hope

Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune--without the words,
And never stops at all,

And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.

I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.

- Emily Dickinson

A somber conversation ensued. I felt my words were cold but I also felt I spoke from the heart. I came to my own decision that I had to let her go. I was in love with someone that I couldn’t be with. Or I was rather in love with idea of being in love with her. For my own sound of mind I needed to distance myself. I was very languished and disappointed once again in love. Yet deep down in my soul, hope hung on for dear life.

“Hope is a waking dream.” -Aristotle